FRAGMENTED Read online

  My breath hitches as I stare at him, and then his lips come down on mine more firmly. He’s irresistible, and I let him in. As his tongue sweeps in and explores my mouth, his hands frame my face and I tilt my head so he has better access. Instinctively, my right hand reaches for his shoulder, and when my fingertips make contact with warm, bare skin—they begin to explore. They trail down his hard bicep, and as Nathan’s tongue seductively dances with mine, he gently eases me back so that I’m lying on the lounger.

  His body settles closer to mine, and I part my legs so that he can rest his hips exactly where we both want him to be. As he presses into me, I wrap my arms around his shoulders—careful of my cast, and arch my hips into his growing hardness.

  All common sense has fled, and I yearn to simply be with him—to feel something real and incredible.

  Nathan releases a low groan that makes my toes curl as he rubs his erection into the apex of my thighs. I’m wearing panties beneath the robe, and it’s not much of a barrier against the rough texture of his jeans that are rubbing against my swelling clit. The sensation causes me to shudder, and I trail my hand down his strong back to cup his butt, urging him on.

  “Elena,” he murmurs into my mouth before stroking my tongue with his as one of his free hands slide up to my breasts.

  Somehow, reality begins to trickle in.

  I don’t want this to ever end, but this can’t go where it’s inevitably leading. I’m too emotional, and Nathan’s not thinking clearly. My lips tear away from his as I gulp in air and press my hand against his chest. “We can’t, Nathan.”

  Reluctantly, he eases back and peers down at me. “I know you’ve been through hell, and we can go as slow as you want. If there’s things that have been done to you—”

  I quickly press my fingers to his lips. I don’t want to go there again. “It’s not that. I…don’t have any hang ups where intimacy is concerned. I just think we need to take a step back and rethink this with clear heads,” I say quietly.

  He’s silent a moment, and then he nods and sits up, running his hands through his hair. “You’re right.”

  His agreement stings a little, but I tell myself that he might feel differently in the light of day, when reality is staring him in the face.

  Nathan, perhaps sensing where my thoughts have gone, leans in and presses a gentle kiss to the corner of my lips. “I’ll still feel the same in the morning, you know. We could be good together, Elena. Not just physically, but in here is what I’m after,” he says, placing his hand flat against my chest.

  My heart thunders beneath his palm. “Nathan…”

  “Shh.” He presses a quick kiss to my forehead. “We can sort it out in the morning. Night, Elena.” With that said, he climbs off the lounger and disappears inside.

  I stare after him, feeling completely floored but also uncertain. He might think that this could work, but I think my past could destroy him, and I am desperate to keep from hurting him more than he’s already been hurt.

  TWENTY

  Elena

  The next day, I’m feeling wary over the prior night’s events on the patio. However, Nathan treats me like nothing out of the ordinary happened, and after lunch, he coaxes me into sitting on the stool in his studio.

  I watch him focus on the canvas. He hasn’t brought up last night, and I’m not sure I want to hear his thoughts on the topic. He’d had all night to develop regrets, especially pertaining to what he’d said to me.

  “Would knowing I tried to commit suicide when I was eighteen change your opinion of me?” Nathan asks almost casually, breaking the silence.

  I’m dumbfounded by his announcement, and I gape at him.

  He glances at me. “That’s right. I thought I was going crazy and tried to end it all by downing a bunch of pills. My stepmother found me in time, and I spent a year in a rehabilitation center. That’s where I met Cameron. He was struggling with his own disorder, but that’s his story to share, not mine.”

  My lips part, but I don’t know what to say.

  Nathan’s eye return to the canvas. “I’ve had mental issues since I can remember. Most people who know me and know about the DID think I’m crazy.” His eyes lift to lock on mine. “Do you?”

  “Absolutely not!” I exclaim, completely offended that he’d even ask.

  “Why?” he challenges.

  “Because I’ve gotten to know you, Nathan. You’re far from crazy.”

  “What about my past?” he prods.

  “What about it?” I ask with bewilderment. What is he getting at?

  His stares me down with the weight of his gaze. “Exactly. The past is the past, Elena. I’m not going to judge you for the decisions you made before we met. The only thing that matters is the present.”

  Oh. I look away and struggle with the direction this conversation is taking. This is so incredibly difficult when I want to explore everything that he’s suggesting. But we can’t…

  Nathan sets down his paintbrush and walks over to stand before me. “You make me feel things when I was closed off to everyone. Now look at me. With you, I feel like I can put myself out there with no judgement. You make me want to be that way. You want to know why? Because I know you won’t throw it in my face or tell me what you think I want to hear.”

  His confession has made my insides heat with longing and with something else that I can’t decipher. I’m glad that he has so much faith in me, but it still changes nothing. “You’re still my employer—”

  “Stop using that as an excuse to avoid what’s happening between us,” he admonishes gently. “I can’t make you reciprocate the feelings I have, and I get that. But if you can look beyond our circumstances and give this thing between us a try, and leave the past in the past so we can focus on the present, then we both have something to gain.”

  I have absolutely no idea what to say. I wanted to get to know Nathan better, but I never expected for anything to actually develop between us.

  “No pressure, though,” he says mildly, breaking the momentary silence.

  I blink from the absurdness of his comment.

  He breaks into a grin. “I kind of laid that all out there, didn’t I? I meant it, though. I don’t want to pressure you into anything, we don’t ever have to discuss it again, and I won’t make any moves on you unless you initiate it. But I do want you to think about what has been said.”

  Slowly, I nod, because I don’t know what else to do.

  Nathan sobers and folds his arms across his chest as he gazes at me. “As for your employment, I’m a fair man, Elena. Your job isn’t going anywhere no matter what happens between us. The only way you could lose it is if you break one of the rules that was stipulated in the beginning, and we both know you’d never allow that to happen.”

  “A relationship would complicate things…” I need to point out.

  He nods. “Undoubtedly, but I think it’d be worth it.”

  “Nathan…” I look at him sadly. “My past still has to be taken into account when you consider being with someone like me. The club I worked at is really popular. Probably every male over the age of eighteen has been there at one time or another.”

  “I can handle it,” he says firmly. And then he gives me a set look. “I meant it when I said I want you to just think on the things I’ve said. I’ve thrown quite a bit at you, and I want you to take your time processing it.”

  Before I can reply, there’s a knock on the studio door.

  Nathan sighs over the interruption. “Yeah?” he calls.

  “You’ve got a call. Line three,” Cameron says through the door.

  * * *

  It’s impossible to sleep, even after the lack of sleep from the night before. There’s just so much churning inside my mind. I’ve never felt so strongly for a man before, and I’m drawn to him on so many different levels—not just sexually.

  He’s said all the right things, and what blows my mind is the fact that he means every word. Somehow, he’s seen beyond everything I
dislike about myself and is embracing the woman I am today. He has a valid point about leaving my past in the past. How am I ever going to feel good about myself if I keep dwelling over it?

  I’m feeling overwhelmed by emotions, and since sleep is going to remain out of reach, I decide to go out by the pool. I’m wrapping my robe around myself and passing by the stairwell leading to the second floor when I pause.

  I don’t know why, but I just have this feeling that Nathan’s in his studio. It’s pretty late, but that’s never stopped him before. When he’s painting, he won’t stop until he’s finished with what he’s envisioned for the canvas.

  Instinctively, I make my way up the stairs, and when I enter the hall, I immediately note the light on beneath the studio door. Like a moth to a flame, I walk to the closed door and knock softly.

  The door opens almost immediately, startling me. Nathan stands there shirtless and in jeans. Dried paint stains his hands, and he has a few paint smears on his stomach. “Elena,” he murmurs, not looking the least bit surprised to see me.

  I give him a sheepish look. “I couldn’t sleep and saw the light on.”

  “Me neither.” He motions for me to step into the studio before closing the door. The canvas on the easel is covered. He’d noted that I’m uncomfortable with seeing myself.

  I stand there, and Nathan gazes at me patiently, waiting to see if I’m going to take the bull by the horns and acknowledge our earlier conversation. I hadn’t meant to venture into this conversation, but I can see how he’d assume that’s why I was knocking on the door. When I’d come up here, I hadn’t thought it entirely through.

  As we stare at each other, I take in the beautiful, complicated soul standing before me. He deserves so much more than what I can give. If anything, I’ll just complicate his life, and not in a good way. He can insist my past won’t affect him, but the fact is, people will recognize me. Nathan’s a Lancaster, and if his name is ever linked to a prostitute…

  Nathan sighs, bringing my attention back to the present. “I can see the doubts in your eyes.”

  “We both know I could damage your reputation.”

  “Screw my reputation.”

  I look at him sadly. “I care about you enough to put you before my wants.”

  He moves closer to me, eyes intent. He’s standing so close that I can feel his body heat radiating off his skin.

  “You care about me?”

  I nod.

  He touches my face. “Do you want me?” he asks softly.

  More than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life, but I won’t say it out loud. I’ve never experienced true intimacy—the sharing of pleasure between two people that genuinely care about each other. I yearn to experience it, but I also don’t want a broken heart when it inevitably ends. If I let him in entirely, there’s no way to protect my heart.

  “Do you trust me, Elena?”

  I gaze up at him and silently nod.

  “If you take this leap with me, I won’t let you fall. I promise,” he vows.

  I want to tell him not to make promises that he can’t keep, but the words won’t come.

  Nathan brings his hands to my face, framing my jaw as he leans in and presses his lips to mine. As I lean into his body, my lips parting beneath his, I know there’s no going back.

  The kiss is long, deep, and so incredibly seductive that I feel my panties dampening beneath my robe. His hand brushes my own, and as his lips pull back, his brown eyes meet mine. They’re blazing with desire, and without a word, he leads me to the door.

  I willingly follow as we exit the studio and make our way further down the hall to his bedroom. Once inside, he firmly closes the door behind us and leads me the bed.

  “Are you sure?” he asks softly, his eyes searching mine.

  I like that he needs to be absolutely certain I’m ready for this, and I nod. Knowing he’s concerned that I might have doubts, I make the first move and untie my robe. I let it fall from my shoulders so that I stand there in just a tank and panties. One thing I’m not shy about is my body, and as his eyes watch me with anticipation, I gracefully slip off my tank and let it drop to the floor.

  “Let me,” he says hoarsely when my hands reach for my panties.

  I pause, and Nathan drops to his knees before me. I watch as his hands reach for my panties and then slowly pull them down my thighs, revealing my bare femininity.

  His eyes are locked on the delicateness between my legs, and then he leans forward and presses his lips to the skin just above my clit. I gasp, and my right hand instinctively settles in his hair.

  Nathan looks up at me with eyes that hold delicious intent. “I'm going to savor every inch of you,” he tells me.

  Warmth spreads throughout my body as Nathan rises to his feet and stands before me. His eyes never leave mine as he unbuttons his jeans and slips them off. Then, he gently nudges us to the bed and helps me recline on it. The mattress dips beneath us as he settles next to me, his expression promising me that he’s going to bring me mindless pleasure.

  My nipples are already pebbled, and I'm sure he's noticed that I'm wet between my legs. He moves closer, and his lips claim mine in a demanding but seductive kiss, and I find myself drowning in the taste of him. As he devours my mouth, I can feel his chest against my bare breasts. He's also aligned his hips with mine, and his erection is pressing snugly between my legs. He’s the perfect length as well as nice and thick.

  He gently moves his hips once, and I moan into his mouth, trying to push my hips up into his, wanting more. He doesn't give me what I want. In fact, he pushes his body off mine, and as the cool air brushes against my most intimate place, I shiver slightly.

  His lips leave mine, and his dark head lowers so that his lips brush my left nipple, and I suck in a sharp breath. “Do you like what I'm doing so far?” he asks.

  “Yes,” I say breathlessly.

  “Mm,” he murmurs. “Maybe I need a little proof.” With that said, his hand settles flat on my stomach for a moment until it slowly trails down to the swollen flesh between my legs. A whimper escapes as I feel him slide a finger down my slit. “You're soaked,” he says approvingly, and I shift restlessly on the mattress when his finger slides away to move back to my breasts. He's killing me here, and we've barely begun. I had no idea sex could feel like this.

  “Please,” I whisper.

  “What do you want?”

  “More.”

  He shifts and ruthlessly sucks my left nipple while rolling the other between his fingers at the same time. I gasp and moan, writhing slightly beneath him. It feels amazing. I lose myself to the intense sensations as he determinedly plays with my breasts until he releases my nipples, and his mouth claims the right one. His tongue teases it before he sucks hard, causing me to gasp, but what really gets a reaction out of me is when he slowly and deliberately grazes his teeth along the sensitive skin from the base to the tip.

  I arch beneath him, and I feel a drop of liquid heat slide down my folds. “Nathan! Please!”

  He sucks hard on my nipple as he manipulates the other one with his fingers, drawing out the sweet tension.

  He's got me wet and panting, and all he's done is play with my breasts. I can't take much more of this delicious torture.

  Nathan is determined to take his time, and he shifts as he moves down my body, the mattress dipping as he settles his shoulders between my already spread legs.

  He looks up, and his dark eyes lock on mine, wanting to verify that I’m still wanting this. I prop myself up on one elbow thanks to the cast on my other arm, and my heart skips a beat at the sight of him. I nod, and his warm hands slowly slide up my legs. Then, his head lowers as he presses a kiss against my inner thigh. I go so still that I quit breathing. He kisses the other thigh, and then I feel his tongue swipe down my entire slit. I flinch slightly from the sensation and instantly feel his hand flatten on my lower stomach, holding me in place.

  “Easy,” he murmurs. I feel a soft flick against the small, swol
len knot of tissue, and the pleasure it causes has me crying out. His tongue gently flicks over it repeatedly, and I begin to pant and writhe. If I thought that felt good, it's nothing compared to when he draws that bundle of tissue into his mouth and sucks. The things he's doing to me with his mouth and tongue... I'm near tears as I moan and gasp, my body seeking what it wants so badly.

  Nathan is meticulous as he continues his manipulation, bringing me higher and higher until I'm losing all control. One more firm suck, and I'm gone. I cry out his name as my lower body shudders and spasms as I ride out the intense sensations. The entire time, I'm aware of Nathan still lapping and teasing me down there.

  When I come down from the orgasm, I feel limp. That was a first, a very intense first for me.

  Nathan moves up my body and touches the side of my face as our eyes meet. His eyes are dark with emotion, and then his lips lower to mine, letting me taste myself on his tongue. He ends the delicious kiss and meets my gaze. “Do you want to top me?” he asks softly.

  He’s worried I might have an aversion to him being on top. I like that he’s taking my feelings into consideration, but being with Nathan is completely different than anyone I’ve ever been with. This means something, something that I’ll never forget.

  “I’m fine with you on top,” I assure. I want to feel him thrusting between my legs, I want to see him.

  Nathan nods and moves to grab a condom from the nightstand. Once he slips it on, he moves over me, his chest brushing mine as the thick head of his erection presses against my folds. He smoothly eases into my moist center, and we both groan once he's fully inside. Nathan's chest shudders, and I love being able to feel every single inch of him.

  He almost pulls out of me, then he slides back in, his eyes focused on mine as he begins to set a rhythm that has me meeting each thrust with the arch of my hips. I’m amazed to feel pleasure beginning to build again so soon after my earlier orgasm.