FRAGMENTED Page 21

  My head turns and I find him watching me, waiting to see if I’m going to switch the subject or not. “My mom died,” I say softly, and I begin to explain how my mother worked as a maid, and I tell him everything that happened that led up to this point.

  When I’m finished, his eyes hold mine. “I think she’d be proud of you.”

  I suck in a sharp breath and look away.

  “You never gave up, Elena. And now look at you. You’re making a life for yourself, the very thing she brought you here to do,” he says.

  I shake my head. “I’m here because of you,” I correct. “You turned my life around, not me.”

  “Does it really matter how it happened?” he challenges. “All I did was give you an option, the choices you’ve made after that point have been all up to you. You’re still here because you choose to be.”

  Instead of replying, I continue staring out at the setting sun. How is it that Knight and Nathan always know just the right thing to say to me? Well, most of the time they do, I think to myself as I recall my last conversation with Nathan.

  A contented silence falls over us as we watch the sun sinking lower and lower until it disappears. Now the evening has a faint hue to it that will soon grow dark.

  I turn my attention to Knight, “Can I ask you something?”

  He looks at me expectantly.

  “Why do you hate Nathan so much?” I find myself asking. It’s something that I’ve wanted to inquire about but haven’t asked since it never seemed to be the right time.

  Knight’s jaw visibly hardens.

  “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me,” I say quickly.

  He grimaces. “It’s fine. I’m not proud of it, but it all comes down to jealousy.”

  “Jealousy?”

  He motions to his body. “This is his, not mine. This house, this life, I’m just a visitor, and it’s all his.” He scowls. “I want it to be mine, but Nathan has more control of the DID than I do, so I get to surface once in a while, maybe fix his problems and live a little, and then the cycle starts all over again.”

  I turn on my lounger, and it squeaks softly beneath me as I fully face him, touching his arm. “You’re wrong.”

  His eyebrows lift. “Am I?”

  I nod. “You’re right here, right? In this moment, the body you have is yours. This is your home, where you live and sleep. Your decisions, they’re yours, Knight. Nathan’s nowhere around, and whether you like it or not, you are a part of Nathan. That makes this all yours, too.”

  “Doesn’t feel that way,” he mutters.

  I look at him sadly. “Maybe because you won’t let yourself accept it.”

  He doesn’t say anything.

  “We make a fine pair, don’t we?” I ask with a soft, mirthless laugh.

  The corner of his mouth tilts. “Perfection is overrated. Flaws make us real.”

  “Then I’m very, very real,” I muse. “Just as you are,” I say, my gaze meeting his.

  He nods, and much to my surprise, he gives me a fleeting smile. “I’m glad I finally caught up to you today.”

  “I’m glad I quit running.”

  The air around us seems to intensify, and I know that it’s time to go inside. Today has been amazing, and I feel closer to Knight than I ever have, which might lead to things that can’t happen. Granted, he’s not making any moves on me, but there’s something there—something unsaid that makes us both incredibly aware of each other.

  “Thank you for the wonderful day, Knight.”

  He nods, not saying anything as he watches me rise to my feet and pick up the iced tea that I’d completely ignored.

  I give him a little wave in parting, and then go inside and head to my room. My mood is relaxed, and all the tension from the past few days has temporarily faded. Spending time with Knight was exactly what I’d needed.

  It isn’t until I’m about to climb into bed that I realize Nathan’s leather bound journal is resting on my pillow. With a puzzled frown, I reach for the journal and sit down. It hadn’t been here earlier in the day, which means at some point this evening, Knight had left it for me. Whatever’s inside, Knight wants me to see.

  Curious now, I open the journal and begin reading the first few pages. Corbin’s pages are straight to the point and filled with many business terms and references that I don’t understand. Knight’s is a short insult to Nathan, which makes me smile with bemusement. It’s a start, at least. Oliver hasn’t appeared since I’d given the journal to Nathan, so he has yet to write in it. I’m certain his entries will be quite entertaining when he does get the chance to write in it.

  The last page is Nathan’s writing.

  Knight,

  We both have one very important person in common.

  Elena.

  She’s the first woman—the only woman—that’s ever accepted us without judgement. I’m falling for her, hard, and you’re fucking it all up. Do you realize that knowing you go out with other women hurts her? Do you care? I think you might, because from what I’ve heard, you seem to be quite interested in her.

  Quit with the games and get your shit together. If she’s not a passing faze, do right by her and be real. Show her that she can be the only one in your life. Put her first, and you have my blessing. Hurt her, and I will find a way to make you miserable as fuck when you inhabit my body. Trust me, you’ve not even begun to learn what I’m capable of.

  Help me make this right, or she’s going to leave us both. Whether we like it or not, we need to work together from now on. It’s the only way to move forward, hopefully with Elena.

  I’ve left the ball in your court, so to speak. Do something with it and don’t make me regret reaching out to you.

  Nathan

  Slowly, I close the journal and clasp it in my hands as mixed emotions overwhelm me. Nathan reached out to Knight. He’s hated Knight for so long and has wanted no contact with him, but because of me, he’s willing to put aside their differences.

  My heart warms. Nathan admitted he’s falling for me, so he must care quite a bit about our relationship if he’s willing to go to Knight. But then I push that warmth aside. I’m still hurt that he’d suggested I build a relationship with Knight—one that includes intimacy. I don’t know what to do about it, and I’m further unsettled that he’d told Knight to move forward with me—if I’ll allow it.

  Now I know why Knight opened up to me today. I’m a little disappointed that Nathan had nudged him in my direction, but I also know Knight wouldn’t say anything that he didn’t mean.

  This is such a mess.

  I set the journal aside and drop my head into my hands. I don’t know what to do. Unquestionably, I’m very attracted to Knight. If it weren’t for my job and my loyalty to Nathan, I’m certain I would have eventually caved and explored what could be with him.

  But that doesn’t mean I should do what Nathan wants. Yes, he’s given his blessing, but that doesn’t mean he’d still feel the same after the fact.

  And what about me?

  Do I want to be in a relationship with two different men? It seems wrong.

  No, what it is, is a disaster waiting to happen.

  How in the world do people have meaningful, intimate relationships with those that have DID?

  Knowing I won’t be sleeping anytime soon, I retrieve the laptop Cameron insisted I hold onto for a while. I make myself comfortable on the bed and wait for the computer to load so I can scour the internet for anything that will help me figure out how to have a healthy relationship with Nathan.

  Hours later, I’m sitting with my back against the headboard, knees pulled up with arms wrapped around them.

  I’m saddened by what I’d found.

  Relationships with people with DID are complicated, and a lot of times, painful. Alters don’t always like the spouse or significant other, and will pursue relationships or sex with someone better to their liking.

  There were stories of heartache, and my own heart hurts for those involved. But amo
ng all the articles of many complicated relationships, I’d found some that were successful. The only reason those relationships worked is because the alters liked the significant other.

  Nathan’s suggestion is finally beginning to make sense now that I’ve read firsthand accounts from others about their own DID relationships. The key is for the significant other to have relationships and trust with all the alters, that way there’s no dissension or outsourcing for wants or needs that can’t be met.

  The idea of such relationships seem odd to me, but then again, my relationship with Nathan is far from the average relationship. There are many factors involved that most people don’t have in their relationships. I’m beginning to understand that Nathan’s suggestion has nothing to do with him not caring for me as much as I care for him.

  It all comes down to the fact that it could save our relationship. But I don’t want to be with Knight just so I can have Nathan. Knight doesn’t deserve that, and neither do I.

  So now there are new questions floating around in my head.

  Could I build something meaningful with Knight?

  Could I fall for him like I have with Nathan?

  Could any of this truly work?

  There’s much to think about.

  THIRTY-ONE

  Elena

  The following morning, I go through the motions of serving breakfast, but my mind isn’t one hundred percent present. Thankfully, the others don’t appear to notice, and if Knight does, he’s content to let me work it out on my own. He doesn’t push for my company, and in fact, he tells me he plans to work on the old motorcycle for most of the afternoon.

  This leaves me to my own devices and allows me to sort through—or at least try—everything that’s going on inside my head.

  I can’t deny that my body craves Knight’s. Just the thought of being with him makes my lower body quiver. I meant it though when I’d promised myself that from now on, sex needs to mean something—not only to me, but also whoever I’m with. I’d like to think that it’d be more than just sex with Knight. There’s something there…something that became more prominent yesterday.

  I sigh as I turn the knob on the washing machine so the load of clothes can begin washing. Our talk yesterday had helped, and I do feel like Knight is ‘almost’ there. I believe he could commit, but I think it would take time for him to really open up and develop deeper feelings for me. Honestly, I don’t think it’d take me long to fall for him, but Knight probably wouldn’t be able to give me that sense of emotional security until we’ve really begun to explore things between us.

  I pause in the doorway of the laundry room, realizing what I’m doing. I’m assuming this is all going to happen—because I’d already unconsciously made up my mind.

  My heart begins to pound.

  I stand there, processing that realization. After so much turmoil and confusion, the decision seems…easy now. I could truly fall for Knight. I know I could. There could be a happy future for us all—though I doubt it’ll be easy.

  But with that awareness comes the fact that Knight’s the last piece of the puzzle, and he needs to find his place. It’s not just all about me. Knight can’t give me himself if I continue holding back. This isn’t just my decision. He needs to want this too, and he has yet to approach the topic with me. I’ve come to my decision, and now I need to know where his head is at.

  Knowing my time with Knight is limited since Nathan’s gallery deadline is creeping closer, I decide to face the decision I’ve made before doubts can begin to develop. Knight was accurate when he’d stated that Nathan has more time being present than he does. If I’m going to figure this out with Knight, we need to make use of all the time that we have.

  As I’d expected, I find Knight in the garage working on his motorcycle. The garage door is closed, and the large structure is silent but for Knight as he works on a disassembled part that had come from the motorcycle.

  He looks up as I step out of the elevator, and the doors close behind me. He smiles from where he’s sitting on the floor, and he sets aside the greasy piece of metal. “Get bored cleaning?”

  I walk over to the nearby stool and drag it over near him, sitting down. “Why did you leave the journal for me?” I ask, getting straight to the point.

  Knight turns serious, and he picks up a rag and wipes his hands before rising to his feet. He walks over and gazes down at me. “You needed to know where Nathan’s head is at.”

  “What about you?” I ask boldly.

  “I’m game if you are.” Knight’s magnetic eyes hold mine captive as he adds, “I don’t want anyone else. Just you, Elena.”

  My heart flutters inside my chest. “You would be okay with my being with Nathan too?”

  “There might be a little jealousy at first, but that can be worked on,” he says honestly.

  “I think…Nathan would have a harder time with it.”

  “I’m not going to lie, you’re probably right. He’s already accepted it, but facing it is something he’ll have to adjust to,” he agrees.

  “What if he can’t?” I ask worriedly.

  He gives me a purposeful look. “I think you’re borrowing trouble if you focus too much on what ifs. What about you? What do you think about the possibility of being with both of us?”

  “It’s a lot to wrap my mind around,” I confess.

  His eyes turn speculative. “Do you think you could feel for me how you feel for him?”

  “I think so,” I say softly.

  He momentarily looks awed by the thought, and it sinks in that Knight has never known love. Not even the paternal kind.

  I rise to my feet so that I am standing close to him as everything begins to fall into place and feel…right. “I was jealous when I heard you had sex with that blond. Not just because you share Nathan’s body. It hurt me here,” I confess, pressing a hand against the center of my chest.

  Knight winces. “It was stupid of me,” he mutters with regret. “Your continuous rejections stung like nothing else ever has. I would never hurt you, Elena. I’ll never look twice at another woman.”

  “I believe you,” I whisper.

  His eyes search mine. “We’re really going to do this?”

  I nod.

  His eyes blaze as he pulls me close and claims my lips with his. The kiss is raw and full of barely restrained lust. Our tongues tangle until Knight ends the kiss and pulls back as he slowly exhales. “I have no expectations. Intimacy can wait until you’re ready to take it to that level. Elena, there’s nothing about this that’s casual. I can wait weeks, months, you name it. You matter more to me than my dick.”

  I find myself grinning over his frankness. “I’m glad you’re willing to wait.”

  “However long you need,” he vows.

  “But I’m not going to make you wait,” I add. I know being with Knight will mean something, it’ll be the beginning of ‘us.’ I can’t hold back with him or this will never work. Besides, I can’t worry over my relationship with Nathan. I need to focus on the present, and right now, that’s Knight.

  He’s staring at me, his eyes beginning to blaze with desire. “You’re sure?”

  I nod.

  He looks around, a frown tugging on his lips. “I’m dirty and you deserve—”

  I put my finger to his lips. “I like it when you’re all sweaty and greasy.”

  “Keep talking like that, and I’m going to strip you down right here,” he warns, his voice getting becoming gravelly.

  “I’m not stopping you.” I want Knight in his element, not what he thinks I want.

  Now that he has the go ahead, determination gleams in his gaze as he wraps his arms around me and backs me up against the nearest wall, his lips demanding as they close over mine. The kiss isn't gentle, nor is it brutal. It's raw with hunger, and I kiss him back with the same intensity that he's kissing me.

  I reach up, slipping my hand up into his hair. The kiss deepens and grows more carnal while his hands yank at my shirt. Thanks
to my cast, he’s having trouble with it. He tries to ease back so he can focus better, but my hands tighten in his hair, not allowing him to move as I stroke his tongue with my own. He chuckles into my mouth, and then I feel a tug on my shirt and the sound of material ripping. My bra, which is flimsy and no match for Knight, rips open. He tosses it aside, his hands immediately going to my breasts.

  I arch my back, moaning into his mouth as he rolls my nipples between his fingers. My heart is about to explode out of my chest, and I find myself grinding my hips against his, anxious for more.

  Knight bites my lower lip before his lips trail down my jaw, lowering to my neck.

  I'm not ready to stop with the kissing, and I instinctively tighten my grip in his hair, pulling his head back up to mine, making it very clear that we're not moving on until I'm ready to. He doesn't close in to kiss me again, but in fact, he stops what he's doing and gazes at me, his eyes darkening with a smoldering heat that has my core clenching.

  He lets go of my breast with his right hand and brings it behind my head where he firmly grips my hair. He carefully pulls my head back, and his eyes hold mine as his head lowers to my neck. Our eye contact is broken, and he gently bites the side of my neck. I whimper as another shudder works its way through me, and I find myself arching my back, my breasts pushed out and available for him to do what he wants with.

  He trails open-mouthed kisses down my neck and then down between my breasts. When he finally turns his attention to my nipples, he rolls the left one between his thumb and finger as his lips clamp on my right one. He sucks firmly, and I'm panting now. “Knight...” I think I'm going to come just from him playing with them.

  He must sense it as well, because his free hand leaves my breast to slip across my stomach and then down the front of my pants and panties. His fingers slide along the bare flesh, and then delve into my wetness. He groans as he slides a finger inside me, and I bite my lower lip hard, so close to going over the edge.

  I open my eyes to find his face now directly in front of mine as he watches me. He curls his finger and rubs my G-spot—a place that I’d assumed would never give pleasure.